Finding it hard to breathe,
FINDING IT HARD TO BREATHE,
Some one please come and wake me from this dream.
Hard on the outside, you cant even see, but its all inside and it hurts,
I'M FINDING IT HARD TO BREATHE.
Trying to reach out, trying to call out, but because i don't show it on the outside, you have no idea,
I'M FINDING IT HARD TO BREATHE.
Cant sleep at night, to afraid to, every time I see your face I wake myself up, don't want the sad memories, don't want the return from the dead ones either, don't want the happy dreams either, all they do is make it
HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE.
Leave me alone, I don't want to go through this, I don't want to let go, I don't want to forget, I was breathing just OK on my own. Now look what you've gone and done.
I'M FINDING IT HARD TO BREATHE.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Monday, 19 October 2009
19.10.2009 Since you been gone
Its funny how when you lose a parent, every one seems to think that its easy, i don't think it really matters how old you are when it happens, its still hard to breathe.
People tend to think they know exactly how you feel and they drop you lines like "don't worry it gets easier" or " the pain will go away" the truth is it never does get easier and the pain doesn't ever go away you learn to live with the pain you learn to accept that they are never coming back and you learn that no matter how much you hurt that its going to be just OK. It does although start to feel like it didn't happen yesterday, I cant even remember how long you have been gone for I think its 4 years now. But it still hurts and the pain doesn't ever seem to go away, I always wish you were still here and I always still think about you every day, Some days I'm cross and some days I'm sad other days I feel guilty, regret is also one of the big things I carry.
Silly things go through your mind, like for me its who's going to do my flowers on my wedding day and who is going to fall in fits of giggles with me when I'm so in love, who is going to help me prepare when I'm pregnant and scared and who is going to knit my baby booties. Theres all these things that I am going through that I wish you were here for all these new feelings and all these anxieties, I am making some of the biggest decisions in my life at the moment and you aren't even here to help me with them. I feel so alone.
Out of all my birthdays today has been the hardest one, harder than the one I buried you on. i remember you always saying that you would never have your life over because then you would never of had me or Jason. But maybe if you did have it over you might have been happier, you might of had more of a chance at a life I know in my heart you so well deserved.
You still appear in my dreams sometimes you've come back from the dead sometimes you are well and sometimes you are sick, sometimes you just hug me and tell me that you love me and you forgive me. On Saturday you taught me to draw an elephant. I still keep your good luck elephant with me he stays in my handbag and when ever I'm really scared I take him out, he's travelled the world with me and mom you'd be so proud. I really miss your encouragement the way we used to hold hands in the mall I never cared what my friends thought.
I miss you mommy, thank you so much for everything you did for me everything you gave up for me. Thank you for holding on until I told you to go. You were the strongest woman I have ever known. I'm sorry I wasn't always a joy to you, don't worry I wasn't a joy to me too.
I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you every day. my rock, my conqueror, my strength.
People tend to think they know exactly how you feel and they drop you lines like "don't worry it gets easier" or " the pain will go away" the truth is it never does get easier and the pain doesn't ever go away you learn to live with the pain you learn to accept that they are never coming back and you learn that no matter how much you hurt that its going to be just OK. It does although start to feel like it didn't happen yesterday, I cant even remember how long you have been gone for I think its 4 years now. But it still hurts and the pain doesn't ever seem to go away, I always wish you were still here and I always still think about you every day, Some days I'm cross and some days I'm sad other days I feel guilty, regret is also one of the big things I carry.
Silly things go through your mind, like for me its who's going to do my flowers on my wedding day and who is going to fall in fits of giggles with me when I'm so in love, who is going to help me prepare when I'm pregnant and scared and who is going to knit my baby booties. Theres all these things that I am going through that I wish you were here for all these new feelings and all these anxieties, I am making some of the biggest decisions in my life at the moment and you aren't even here to help me with them. I feel so alone.
Out of all my birthdays today has been the hardest one, harder than the one I buried you on. i remember you always saying that you would never have your life over because then you would never of had me or Jason. But maybe if you did have it over you might have been happier, you might of had more of a chance at a life I know in my heart you so well deserved.
You still appear in my dreams sometimes you've come back from the dead sometimes you are well and sometimes you are sick, sometimes you just hug me and tell me that you love me and you forgive me. On Saturday you taught me to draw an elephant. I still keep your good luck elephant with me he stays in my handbag and when ever I'm really scared I take him out, he's travelled the world with me and mom you'd be so proud. I really miss your encouragement the way we used to hold hands in the mall I never cared what my friends thought.
I miss you mommy, thank you so much for everything you did for me everything you gave up for me. Thank you for holding on until I told you to go. You were the strongest woman I have ever known. I'm sorry I wasn't always a joy to you, don't worry I wasn't a joy to me too.
I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you every day. my rock, my conqueror, my strength.
Sunday, 4 October 2009
Lessons well learnt
So I guess I've learnt a couple of things these past weeks about myself that I guess I always knew.
No1. I truly am in love:
Ive always know since the day i met Garth that this is it. but then again i guess I might have said the same thing somewhere down the road before but yet not with as much zest as i do know, But about two weekends ago, I went out with a mate of mine, now I am a trust worthy person always have been, but this absolutely drop dead gorgeous guy starts picking me up and all the time all I could think was hmmm I wonder what Garths doing right now, I went into a little day dream world (like totally, as in I was in sexy day dream world with Garth in my head, practically drooling) that this Sexy Hunky Guy said to me and I quote " Hey did you even hear a single word I just said" lol. ooooops my bad and all I did was shrugg needless to say Sexy Hunky Guy wasnt impressed.
No2. I am way to hard on myself and now I know why.
Some where along the line you find the appreciation you have missed your whole life. The plain fact is that the best you give will never be enough, people always want more or should I say expect one level higher, you never seem to satisfy yourself or anyone. For example athe the age of 11 i was struggling with history at school (crap teacher) so I decided im going to try really hard, I came home with 98 out of 100, I was so CHUFFED and EXCITED so eager to impress my DAD. So running up to him and handing him my test to sign (probably the only test I ever gave him to sign) with big smiles and a giggle in my heart. My dad had a good LOOOOONNNNG look at it and with a very stern face looked me in the eyes and asked me and I quote " wheres the other 2 Marks. Putting all this aside....hang on you cant really can you? I just decided to stop trying in life. Now much older, I am still stupid enough to turn to him for advice and support on my major deccissions in life (still trying to impress him I guess), choices I am making to better my life, hoping that I am doing the right think, for him once again to bring me down. Lately i have discovered that my real father figure is my brother, I can rely on him for support and a shoulder to cry on and for him to tell me the truth at all times no matter how much it hurts, oh and best of all to tell me to shut up with my insecurities.
No1. I truly am in love:
Ive always know since the day i met Garth that this is it. but then again i guess I might have said the same thing somewhere down the road before but yet not with as much zest as i do know, But about two weekends ago, I went out with a mate of mine, now I am a trust worthy person always have been, but this absolutely drop dead gorgeous guy starts picking me up and all the time all I could think was hmmm I wonder what Garths doing right now, I went into a little day dream world (like totally, as in I was in sexy day dream world with Garth in my head, practically drooling) that this Sexy Hunky Guy said to me and I quote " Hey did you even hear a single word I just said" lol. ooooops my bad and all I did was shrugg needless to say Sexy Hunky Guy wasnt impressed.
No2. I am way to hard on myself and now I know why.
Some where along the line you find the appreciation you have missed your whole life. The plain fact is that the best you give will never be enough, people always want more or should I say expect one level higher, you never seem to satisfy yourself or anyone. For example athe the age of 11 i was struggling with history at school (crap teacher) so I decided im going to try really hard, I came home with 98 out of 100, I was so CHUFFED and EXCITED so eager to impress my DAD. So running up to him and handing him my test to sign (probably the only test I ever gave him to sign) with big smiles and a giggle in my heart. My dad had a good LOOOOONNNNG look at it and with a very stern face looked me in the eyes and asked me and I quote " wheres the other 2 Marks. Putting all this aside....hang on you cant really can you? I just decided to stop trying in life. Now much older, I am still stupid enough to turn to him for advice and support on my major deccissions in life (still trying to impress him I guess), choices I am making to better my life, hoping that I am doing the right think, for him once again to bring me down. Lately i have discovered that my real father figure is my brother, I can rely on him for support and a shoulder to cry on and for him to tell me the truth at all times no matter how much it hurts, oh and best of all to tell me to shut up with my insecurities.
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