Its funny how when you lose a parent, every one seems to think that its easy, i don't think it really matters how old you are when it happens, its still hard to breathe.
People tend to think they know exactly how you feel and they drop you lines like "don't worry it gets easier" or " the pain will go away" the truth is it never does get easier and the pain doesn't ever go away you learn to live with the pain you learn to accept that they are never coming back and you learn that no matter how much you hurt that its going to be just OK. It does although start to feel like it didn't happen yesterday, I cant even remember how long you have been gone for I think its 4 years now. But it still hurts and the pain doesn't ever seem to go away, I always wish you were still here and I always still think about you every day, Some days I'm cross and some days I'm sad other days I feel guilty, regret is also one of the big things I carry.
Silly things go through your mind, like for me its who's going to do my flowers on my wedding day and who is going to fall in fits of giggles with me when I'm so in love, who is going to help me prepare when I'm pregnant and scared and who is going to knit my baby booties. Theres all these things that I am going through that I wish you were here for all these new feelings and all these anxieties, I am making some of the biggest decisions in my life at the moment and you aren't even here to help me with them. I feel so alone.
Out of all my birthdays today has been the hardest one, harder than the one I buried you on. i remember you always saying that you would never have your life over because then you would never of had me or Jason. But maybe if you did have it over you might have been happier, you might of had more of a chance at a life I know in my heart you so well deserved.
You still appear in my dreams sometimes you've come back from the dead sometimes you are well and sometimes you are sick, sometimes you just hug me and tell me that you love me and you forgive me. On Saturday you taught me to draw an elephant. I still keep your good luck elephant with me he stays in my handbag and when ever I'm really scared I take him out, he's travelled the world with me and mom you'd be so proud. I really miss your encouragement the way we used to hold hands in the mall I never cared what my friends thought.
I miss you mommy, thank you so much for everything you did for me everything you gave up for me. Thank you for holding on until I told you to go. You were the strongest woman I have ever known. I'm sorry I wasn't always a joy to you, don't worry I wasn't a joy to me too.
I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you every day. my rock, my conqueror, my strength.
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