ive been so lost for so long thinking that there was something wrong with me that I am just plain dumb, that I would never amount to much and would never go far in life. Holding on to my minds image of what I hoped and prayed that people actually were. hoping so bad that I imagined that they were caring and loving and kind and supportive that they were interested in what I became that I was the one ruining everything, that I was the black sheep.

Its funny how the mind can be minipulated and trained. Ive found out that there is nothing wrong with me that I just dont know better because I was not brought up in a loving family enviroment, but in a conformed enviroment one that was played by the book that was written for peranting in the 1600. that there is nothing wrong with me except for the fact that I yern to be loved and cared for to be accepted and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I have punished myself in loveless relationships because i had a picture in my mind of how i believed it was and i hurt myself time and time again with my expectations, but i never realised that I was in a bad place/relationship because the way things were are the way thing were at home. hence again thinking that there was something wrong with me. blaming myself for giving up, questioning myself for everything that went wrong, doubting myself when i knew in my heart that I was not to blame, but still taking all the blame. When all I was in the past was inlove with an idea a image I had of people. i was so used to dissapointment that I never knew I was dissapointed that when things went wrong i tried harder to fix them.

I have not been the ideal child there are no two ways about that. but i do now realise why i rebelled. I do now have an answer to the famous question that my perants threw in my face time and time again. "what did we do so wrong", making me feel like I was a bad person a trouble maker a good for nothing.