This is me

I've always been the kind of girl
That hid my face
So afraid to tell the world
What I've got to say
But I have this dream
Bright inside of me
I'm gonna let it show, it's time
To let you know
To let you know

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me

Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
Where you're the shining star
Even though it seems
Like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself
It's the only way

This is real, This is me
I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me

You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
I need to find you, I gotta find you
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you, I gotta find you

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me (this is me)
You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me.

ive been so lost for so long thinking that there was something wrong with me that I am just plain dumb, that I would never amount to much and would never go far in life. Holding on to my minds image of what I hoped and prayed that people actually were. hoping so bad that I imagined that they were caring and loving and kind and supportive that they were interested in what I became that I was the one ruining everything, that I was the black sheep.

Its funny how the mind can be minipulated and trained. Ive found out that there is nothing wrong with me that I just dont know better because I was not brought up in a loving family enviroment, but in a conformed enviroment one that was played by the book that was written for peranting in the 1600. that there is nothing wrong with me except for the fact that I yern to be loved and cared for to be accepted and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I have punished myself in loveless relationships because i had a picture in my mind of how i believed it was and i hurt myself time and time again with my expectations, but i never realised that I was in a bad place/relationship because the way things were are the way thing were at home. hence again thinking that there was something wrong with me. blaming myself for giving up, questioning myself for everything that went wrong, doubting myself when i knew in my heart that I was not to blame, but still taking all the blame. When all I was in the past was inlove with an idea a image I had of people. i was so used to dissapointment that I never knew I was dissapointed that when things went wrong i tried harder to fix them.

I have not been the ideal child there are no two ways about that. but i do now realise why i rebelled. I do now have an answer to the famous question that my perants threw in my face time and time again. "what did we do so wrong", making me feel like I was a bad person a trouble maker a good for nothing.

Just thinking out loud

Ive been loosing my mind ive been running away for so long I try to put on a face and cover my heart but I need it so bad, cant find the truth cant speak my mind, dont know what im trying to say Im just thinking out loud.

I dont know whats happening to me everythings inside out and upside down and I dont know how I feel maybe Im mad and maybe Im glad. Im trying so hard to stay unbreakable.

I dont know what I SAY IM JUST THINKING OUTLOUD.

I know its bad, Id be crushed if you walked away id be lost Id be drowning in grey, id be rooted unrepaired if you werent there. I swore id be incontroll of myself what has happened to me.

This is me Im torn apart, confused as hell and torn apart,Im trying so hard to stay unbreakable.

Ive been told whats done is done to let it go and carry on and deep inside I know this is true, because its you and me against the world, you make me untouchable.

there are all these warning signs but you make me untouchable and now I know that i need you, im falling, falling you are with me always in everything I do and i know I must do what ever i can do to make it back to you.

you are the one that makes me feel alive, because i know that i need you it would make me whole just to see you, Id be home just to feel you.

BREATHE

Finding it hard to breathe,
FINDING IT HARD TO BREATHE,
Some one please come and wake me from this dream.

Hard on the outside, you cant even see, but its all inside and it hurts,
I'M FINDING IT HARD TO BREATHE.

Trying to reach out, trying to call out, but because i don't show it on the outside, you have no idea,
I'M FINDING IT HARD TO BREATHE.

Cant sleep at night, to afraid to, every time I see your face I wake myself up, don't want the sad memories, don't want the return from the dead ones either, don't want the happy dreams either, all they do is make it
HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE.

Leave me alone, I don't want to go through this, I don't want to let go, I don't want to forget, I was breathing just OK on my own. Now look what you've gone and done.
I'M FINDING IT HARD TO BREATHE.

19.10.2009 Since you been gone

Its funny how when you lose a parent, every one seems to think that its easy, i don't think it really matters how old you are when it happens, its still hard to breathe.

People tend to think they know exactly how you feel and they drop you lines like "don't worry it gets easier" or " the pain will go away" the truth is it never does get easier and the pain doesn't ever go away you learn to live with the pain you learn to accept that they are never coming back and you learn that no matter how much you hurt that its going to be just OK. It does although start to feel like it didn't happen yesterday, I cant even remember how long you have been gone for I think its 4 years now. But it still hurts and the pain doesn't ever seem to go away, I always wish you were still here and I always still think about you every day, Some days I'm cross and some days I'm sad other days I feel guilty, regret is also one of the big things I carry.

Silly things go through your mind, like for me its who's going to do my flowers on my wedding day and who is going to fall in fits of giggles with me when I'm so in love, who is going to help me prepare when I'm pregnant and scared and who is going to knit my baby booties. Theres all these things that I am going through that I wish you were here for all these new feelings and all these anxieties, I am making some of the biggest decisions in my life at the moment and you aren't even here to help me with them. I feel so alone.

Out of all my birthdays today has been the hardest one, harder than the one I buried you on. i remember you always saying that you would never have your life over because then you would never of had me or Jason. But maybe if you did have it over you might have been happier, you might of had more of a chance at a life I know in my heart you so well deserved.

You still appear in my dreams sometimes you've come back from the dead sometimes you are well and sometimes you are sick, sometimes you just hug me and tell me that you love me and you forgive me. On Saturday you taught me to draw an elephant. I still keep your good luck elephant with me he stays in my handbag and when ever I'm really scared I take him out, he's travelled the world with me and mom you'd be so proud. I really miss your encouragement the way we used to hold hands in the mall I never cared what my friends thought.

I miss you mommy, thank you so much for everything you did for me everything you gave up for me. Thank you for holding on until I told you to go. You were the strongest woman I have ever known. I'm sorry I wasn't always a joy to you, don't worry I wasn't a joy to me too.

I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you every day. my rock, my conqueror, my strength.

Lessons well learnt

So I guess I've learnt a couple of things these past weeks about myself that I guess I always knew.

No1. I truly am in love:

Ive always know since the day i met Garth that this is it. but then again i guess I might have said the same thing somewhere down the road before but yet not with as much zest as i do know, But about two weekends ago, I went out with a mate of mine, now I am a trust worthy person always have been, but this absolutely drop dead gorgeous guy starts picking me up and all the time all I could think was hmmm I wonder what Garths doing right now, I went into a little day dream world (like totally, as in I was in sexy day dream world with Garth in my head, practically drooling) that this Sexy Hunky Guy said to me and I quote " Hey did you even hear a single word I just said" lol. ooooops my bad and all I did was shrugg needless to say Sexy Hunky Guy wasnt impressed.

No2. I am way to hard on myself and now I know why.

Some where along the line you find the appreciation you have missed your whole life. The plain fact is that the best you give will never be enough, people always want more or should I say expect one level higher, you never seem to satisfy yourself or anyone. For example athe the age of 11 i was struggling with history at school (crap teacher) so I decided im going to try really hard, I came home with 98 out of 100, I was so CHUFFED and EXCITED so eager to impress my DAD. So running up to him and handing him my test to sign (probably the only test I ever gave him to sign) with big smiles and a giggle in my heart. My dad had a good LOOOOONNNNG look at it and with a very stern face looked me in the eyes and asked me and I quote " wheres the other 2 Marks. Putting all this aside....hang on you cant really can you? I just decided to stop trying in life. Now much older, I am still stupid enough to turn to him for advice and support on my major deccissions in life (still trying to impress him I guess), choices I am making to better my life, hoping that I am doing the right think, for him once again to bring me down. Lately i have discovered that my real father figure is my brother, I can rely on him for support and a shoulder to cry on and for him to tell me the truth at all times no matter how much it hurts, oh and best of all to tell me to shut up with my insecurities.

08 September 2009

"its time" he said.

We left the apartment. Thanksgiving morning 1945 was cold and bright. Far too bright for two people who'd been up all night. We squinted all the way to Sheridan Square station. The train to Brooklyn was deserted. As we barreled through Lower Manhattan, we remained silent, clinging on to each other tightly. As we crossed under the east River, I said, ' I don't have your address.'

jack pulled out two matchbooks from his pocket. He handed one to me. Then dug out a pencil stub from the breast pocket of his uniform. Licking it, he opened his book of matches and scribbled a Us army postal address in the inside cover. He gave me the matches. I clutched them in one hand, then relieved him of the pencil and scribbled my address on the inside flap of my matchbook. when I handed it back to him, he instantly put it into his shirt pocket, buttoning the flap for safe keeping.

'Don't you dare lose that book of matches', I said.
'they have just become my most prized possession. And you'll write me too?.'
'constantly.'

The train continued its headlong plunge under the river and through subterranean Brooklyn. When it jerked to a halt at borough Hall, Jack said, 'We're here.'

We climbed back up into the Thanksgiving light, emerging right near a dockyards. It was a grim industrial landscape, with half-a-dozen naval frigates and troop ships berthed in a series of docks. they were all painted battleship grey. We were not the only couple approaching the gates of the Navy Yards. there must have been six or seven others, embracing against a lamp post, or whispering final declarations of love to each others, or just looking at each other.

'looks like we've got company,' I said.
'That's the problem with army life,' he said. 'there;s never any privacy.'

We stopped walking. i turned him towards me.
'lets get this over and done with, jack.'
'you sound like Barbara Stanwyck- the original though dame.'
'i think it's called - in war movie parlance- "trying to be brave".'

'there's no easy way to do this, is there?'
'no, there isn't. so kiss me. and tell me you love me.'
He kissed me. he told me he loved me. I whispered the same thing back to him. 'then I yanked him by the lapels.

'one last thing,' i said. "don't you dare break my heart, Malone'

I released him.
'now go get on that ship,' i said.
'Aye-aye, sir.'

he turned and walked to the gates. I stood on the sidewalk, frozen to the spot, forcing myself to remain stoic, controlled, sensible. the guard at the gates swung them open. Jack spun around and he shouted to me, "September first."

I bit down hard on my lip and shouted back: 'Yes, September first.... without fail.'

He snapped to attention and executed a crisp salute. i managed a smile. then he turned and marched in the Yards.

For a moment or two I couldn't move . I simply stared ahead, until jack vanished from view. i felt as if U was in free fall- as if I had just walked into an empty elevator shaft.

eventually, i forced myself back to the subway satin, down the stairs, and on to a Manhattan- bound train.

I kept myself in check all the way back to Bedford street. As soon as my apartment door closed behind me, I fell on the bed and let go.

I wept and wept. and wept some more all the time thinking: you are a fool.